


You can never leave

by originofabsolution



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV), The Mighty Boosh RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-18
Updated: 2015-03-18
Packaged: 2018-03-13 14:35:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3385334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/originofabsolution/pseuds/originofabsolution
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Noel Fielding/ Julian Barratt Fanfiction. From their first meeting and possibly throughout their TV shows and Films. My first Fanfiction. ENJOY :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning

**Julian's POV**

In a town in Buckinghamshire, I stood upon a stage performing my usual stand-up comedy routine at the local club. I couldn't help but notice a small group of non-regular viewers of my routine, watching me. My general audience consisted of people over 30 years old ,but now there are the unusual group of university students sitting at the far corner drinking a pint of beer each. As I continue my hour long sketch, I kept feeling that someone was staring at me, I was used to people looking at me normally. But this stare it was different, it sent a chill down my spine, wanting to take a glance at who was diverting my thoughts. Though this urge was strong, I kept my routine in order, delivering each of my jokes correctly.

Once the hour was over, I thanked the crowd for watching and looked over at the table which now had 2 people sat at it, where before there was 3. I took to the back of the stage and collected my payment from the manager, he congradulated on "another successful night" then went onto the stage to introduce the next act. So I strode to my spot at the bar, ordering a soft drink and turning my barstool observing each member of the audience, picking out familiar faces. Once again I glanced upon the corner table now occupied by all 3 students, 2 were laughing and not paying attention to the act on stage. The other... he was staring at me, 'no bloody hell Julian why would he be looking at you? Stop being desprate, he is surely eyeing up his next drink.' I agreed with my inner thoughts and decided to look away, though I could still feel his eyes piercing the side of my head. I tried to focus my attention on the terrible wannabe comedian on the stage, but to be honest the jokes were re-used so much that i could have fallen asleep for half the routine and not missed a thing! Bloody amateurs!

After finishing my soft drink, I turn back to the barman to order another, only to notice that the student that was staring at me was sitting right beside me at the bar! How did he manage to get here without me noticing? Wait is that even a man? I try to figure out what is going on. Why was he staring? Why would he bother being at this small venue? 'Why am I even worrying about him, he is just here to get another drink surely.' I shake my head, coming out of this unusual trance. It is now that I realise that I have been staring at this weird man/woman for at least a minute or so. The mystery character looks up at me, large blazing blue eyes almost hidden under a helmet of brown hair with blond highlights,

"Alright" They say with a charming smirk, I try figure out whether they are a man or a woman before replying.

"Hello, ma'm?" I hastly stutter, unsure if I made the right choice thinking that they were female. Immediately the other laughs, sort of cackling to themself. I then realise that the person probably was not a woman.

"I am so sorry, I thought you were a woman because of the hair and.... sorry." I quickly say.

"It's alright, i'm the confuzer is it a man, is it a woman ohh i'm not sure if i mind" He says in a joking tone still giggling to himself.

"So... umm why are you here?" I ask the young man

"I'm just here with my 2 mates over there watching some of the comedy acts" He says pointing to the table he was sat at earlier.

"No, I mean here" I gesture to the space around us "Sitting next to me at the bar? Why?" I ask again

"Oh, well I liked your act, I totally related to your jokes, they were great. So I thought why not come talk to you." He said with a smile as he sipped his beer.

"I didn't think anyone really understood my jokes, I have a weird sense of humor" I say starting to get a bit more confident around this guy.

"Well that makes us weird people then, i'm Noel by the way." He says with another massive smile, does this guy ever stop smiling?

"I'm Julian" I pause thinking about what to say next. Then I notice he has just finished his drink.

"Do you want a drink?" I quickly ask. He looks up at me smiling again.

"Yeah why not, thanks mate"

We talked about comedy for ages, sharing jokes and impersonations of famous people like we had been friends for years. 6 drinks later Noel was completely hammered, he couldn't stand on his own two feet without tripping over a barstool or an invisible tripwire. I went and looked for his two friends to take him home, but it turns out they left ages ago. I return to Noel and offer to drive him back to his place. There is no harm in that right? He wouldn't make it on the street walking like that, one of the gangs would smash his nose into a wall (though it looked like that had happened enough already.) So I guided him to my car and I started to drive to the address he had given me.

"Can we put the radio onnnn?" He asks

"Yeh alright" I fumble around pressing many buttons on the dashboard eventually activating the radio.

"Aww yes this song is genius!" He exclaims, then immidiately starts doing some weird techno dance that I have never seen before. "C'mon small eyes this is The Human League." He urges me to dance.

"This is techno nonsense" I murmur to myself. We arrive at the address, so I go help Noel get out of the car and keep him walking steadily until we get to his door. This side of town seems rougher than where I live, on this street there are run down shops, ruined buildings even the cars look rough.

He eventually gets his key into the lock on the door and swings it open, he seems more sober now for he is no longer slurring his words.

"Do you want to come in for a drink? Tea, coffee or something?" He asks.

"Yeh alright, I could do with a cup of something." I start to walk forward, but he puts out his arm to stop me.

"Before you come in there is something you should know." He says with another smirk

"What is it?" I ask

"Once you come in, you can never leave" he says dramatically

"Thats fine, I haven't got much on anyway" I reply, so we both walk into his flat.

Something tells me that he was right, I don't think I will ever be able to leave...


	2. Opposites

**Noel's POV**

I had been watching Julian's stand-up routines every Thursday for a month until I decided to talk to him. I wanted to talk to him after his first show that I saw, he seemed so talented as a comedian and I couldn't believe that his work was so similar to what I wanted to show people! I dragged Dave and Nigel (my flatmates) out to the club to see what they thought of Julian's work, they didn't understand it like I did. So they took off early to go to one of the partys that I stopped them going to. Julian is a pretty handsome guy as well as being talented. He was half a headheight than me, short silky brown slighty curled hair, eyes... well they were the tiny eyes of a shrew!

Now he offers to drive me back to my flat, letting me dance to the genius music of The Human League and accepted my offer to come in for a cuppa. I have the feeling that we will get on great... I really hope we do!

**Julian's POV**

His flat looked like it had just experienced a bomb blast or something, there was everything from clothes to used canvases laying on the floor. He pranced around attempting to make some space on the worn sofa and chucking his clothes into a cupboard down the hall.

"Sorry about the mess, I don't normally have company other than Dave or Nigel who live down the hall ." He apologises, "Go sit on the sofa if you want, lemme go get some coffee or something" pointing his arm in the direction of the sofa, then striding down the hall into what was probably the kitchen. So I decided to take a look at some of the paintings in the middle of the room. They were unusual and full of colour, some of what looked like animals and some of people with slightly deformed faces. I could imagine Noel sitting in the centre of this room, letting his imagination go wild, putting whatever his weird mind onto these canvases. It suprised and scared me how quickly we got on in the club, not once did we fall into an awkward silence. My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of heels coming back into the living room. Wait heels? It was then that I had a proper look at what he was wearing, a long sleved navy shirt, slighty baggy black jeans (that looked a bit too big for him) and black shoe with 2 inch heels. What type of a man wear heels like that? Also he had a skinny small frame, as if the slightest touch could knock him over.

He handed me the cup of coffee as we settled on the sofa. I felt slightly out of place with all the bright colours and happyness shining around the room radiating off Noel. Whereas I was wearing dull browns and greys.

"So... did you paint those?" I gesture to the pile of paintings that I just inspected.

"Yeh, I often just sit around and create fantasy worlds to escape into through painting." He replys with a proud smile, bouncing up off of the sofa picking up some of the canvases and returning, showing each one to me.

"This one here" he says pointing at a pink blob with a moustache and top hat "this is Charlie, he is made of a million pieces of old bubblegum, he could be in a book or something, imagine that!" he says exitedly with wide eyes. He places the canvases carefully back on the floor and jumps back onto the sofa.

"So tell me about yourself?" He asks gulping down the rest of his coffee and staring at me eagerly. Just like a child when their parents are about to tell them that they are going to Disneyland. I awkwardly shuffled around, trying to think of some exiting story about myself.

"Umm, well i'm Julian Barratt and i'm from Leeds, I enjoy Jazz music.." I said until Noel cut me off "Wait, Jazz!? How old are you?!" he says jokingly

"Hey! i'm only 28. What about you? You are like 17?" I reply back

"It's nice to know I look that young, but no, I am 23 attending art University" He says with a larger grin. The next few hours were similar to this, me telling him about my life and him making fun of it. Normally I would have nothing to do with a person like this, but he seemed to get me, even though we seem to be complete opposites in every way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this chapter, any errors let me know :)


	3. Imagination

 

 

 **2 hours later**  
 **Noel's POV**  
Ok, Julian has been trying to get his point across to me that Jazz is not for old wrinkled men though it originated in 1910 or something. God why did I remember that. Nevermind, other than his rambling about "the art of Jazz and Scat" he told me about his dream of being on the radio or tv or a large stage performing one of his stand-up routines. Oddly my dream was similar. It was after he told me this that he had realised what the time was, thanked me for the coffee then left getting into his car, driving to wherever he lived.   
I brought the cups into the kitchen then decided to relax on my bed listening to KISS. I lay there wondering what Julian's flat looked like. Organised bookshelves, jazz records and probably not a paperclip out of place. I bet his waredrobe was full of all shades of shirts. We shall see, hopefully he will want to talk to me again, I don't see why he wouldn't... to be honest I am a pretty charming character. But then again we only met 4-5 hours ago, he could think I am just a normal guy, one that just happened to be similar yet so different. I'm not sure how that works but I don't want to be that guy that he doesn't notice, the same as the others fitting in with the crowd. I want to be different, I am different, something he hasn't seen before. Jeez i'm sounding like a desperate girlfriend, definately a character I want to avoid.  
My thoughts are interrupted by the russeling of keys in the hall and the front door banging, making another dent in the wall. Dave and Nigel are home from partying, I walk through the corridor to greet them. Both of them are stretched out on a sofa each muttering to each other.   
"Alright guys, how was the party?" I ask. They look up at me, clearly they had a few too many drinks.  
"It was absolutely mental, you should have been there" Nigel says, (the more sober of the two.) "Dave hooked up with some American girl, y'know he's gone once he hears that accent. Literally, she comes to us with a group of girls, starts talking, Dave looked like a mighty gorrilla! He was all over her in seconds!" Nigel continues.  
"Okay thank youu, he doesn't need to know the details. Though speaking about hooking up, how did you get on with that guy you dragged us out to see?" Dave says with a wink, sitting up.  
"We got on fine, turns out he wants to be on the tv doing comedy like me!" I reply, ignoring Dave's words 'hooking up'.  
"Do you like him?" Dave asks staring at me with a smirk  
"W-what?"   
"Do you love him? Like a high school crush?" He asks again  
"We only just met all I said is that we have a few similarities thats all, I don't even know if he will talk to me again. And i'm not in high school I don't have crushes." I quickly blurt out  
"Ahhhhhh" They both say at the same time "We see" Dave says raising his eyebrows up and down  
"C'mon Dave leave the poor guy alone, give him some time to think this over. Now tell me about the girl?" Nigel says turning back to Dave. I took this oppertunity to go back to my room and resume laying on my bed. I lay looking up at the celing, it being covered with patterns that I had painted myself. I think about what Dave said, was that just what his drunkened mind conjured up or did he mean to ask that. I ponder around the question for a while until I remember that I didn't get Julian's number. Looks like I will be needing to go to the club again next Thursday.

 


	4. Ju

**Noel's POV**

It had been a week since I first met Julian and I was hoping that the he would want to the talk to me again at the club. This time I trecked to the the club without Dave and Nigel, trying to avoid the dodgy alleyways. The unoccupied streets seemed bleak, the old buildings stopping any sunlight reaching the ground. Seriously I did not see a soul on my way to the club, not even a stray cat, would this be what an apocalypse would be like? Maybe some evil demon could have taken over the world!

"Excuse me dear, could you tell me where the bingo club is please" an old lady asks me. I tell her the directions and carry on thinking what evil demon could rule the world. I look round at the old lady, now wobbling up the road like a penguin. Thats it, an evil Nana could rampage through the towns using her knitting needles like knives. That would be genius! I've gotta tell Julian that, it's the sort of weird thing he would think up right.

I sat at my usual table in the corner with my pint of beer waiting to see Julian's act. He was quite well known around the town for his act, it was very different compared to others. He interacted with the audience and created fantasy unreal stories with small props. I laughed wholeheartedly at all his jokes, maybe a little too loud at some points. I kept getting weird looks from the older viewers telling me to shut up. So I did until Julian came off stage. Just before he ended his routine I moved to the bar, next to where he would usually sit. Yes I know these things and i'm not a stalker, i just have been watching him for a while, not creepy. I heard loud footsteps coming up behind me, then a barstool move. Then that voice, it was deeper than mine, a soothing northen tone. Ok maybe this is getting a bit creepy... not good.

Julian clears his throught "So what did you think of my routine then?" he asks. So he did see me in the audience, well maybe heard my extreme laughter.

"It was awesome! I really liked that one about the man with one eye, that was brilliant!" I turn to face him with a smile.

"Glad you liked it, would you like a drink?" he asks. Wow offering to buy me a drink again, looks like im not too bad after all.

"Yeh alright, thanks" I say with my most charming smirk

"Great, I will try not to get you too drunk this time"

**Julian's POV**

I don't know why I decided to see Noel again, maybe his weird laugh made me want to know more about him. I could hear him over everyone else when I was on stage, I still struggled to keep focused when he was sat in the crowd. There was just something that drew attention to him, not his hair (though that definately stood out) but he also lightened peoples spirits, made them happy. Even though we had only met once before, I instantly felt at ease. It's weird how we managed to tolerate each other.

We sat at the bar talking like the week before. I told Noel about a tv show I was acting in called Asylum. I think he is more exited than I am to see how it turns out. He told me abot his idea involving a demon Nana ruling the world, well it was definately different.

"So Julian, can I at least get your number this time?" he asks with a cheeky smirk.

"Well yeh, just don't go bombarding me with messages all the time though." I got out my pen and scribbled my number onto a napkin and handed it to him.

"Do you wanna go back to my place again? Dave and Nigel will be there but they won't mind." he says looking up from the napkin.

"Yeh ok, I don't see why not." I reply getting up off my stool "I will drive us there" So we walked out to my car again, Noel being less tipsy this time.

"Can I call you Ju?" He asks out of nowhere. Nicknames already? Oh shite what am I getting myself into. Normally I would be the one getting free drinks off people, not me buying for them. This could be the start of something great. No it will ruin your reputation, he will drag you down. But he needs me to help him. He will slow you down stop your dreams. My thoughts argued back and forth until I felt a hand slap my face.

"Oi! What was that for!" I say annoyed

"You were in a trance or something, you weren't saying anything, so I got worried." he says getting cautious and moving away slowly.

"Oh, ok thanks then."

"Lets get going then" he says ducking down to get on the car

"Wait Noel"

"Hmmm" he stands up and looks over the car at me

"You can call me Ju if you want" I say with a smile. "Little man."


	5. The Ball Test

 -Sorry this chapter took a while. Thanks for reading! :) -

**Noel's POV**

We arrived and entered my flat. I was surprised because I thought my housemates and Julian weren't going to get on, but they seemed to like him. We all sat around our coffee table having a drink and watching Comedy Network for a while, until Dave and Nigel announced that they had better be going to meet the girls they met last week at the nightclub they usually went to. So that left Julian and myself. Julian told me about his part in 'Asylum', I bet he will be great! I'd love to be on TV with him, a strange comedy duo! Perhaps when he finishes Asylum we could work on something together, that would be genius!

"So... you live with Dave and Nigel, do unusual comedy like me, you are a talented artist, have strange hair like a failed wannabe KISS member, anything else I should know?" Julian asks

"Hmm, like what?" I turn to face him

 "It would be helpful if you tell me now about you being a serial killer or some strange man-child who is planning to bum me for money." he says with a stern face but clearly hiding a smile

 "Oh yeh, I thought you would want to know about the pile of bodies in the bathroom, I haven't got rid of them yet." I joke

"What about the collection of lumberjack tools and that stuffed lizard in your bedroom?"

"That is none of your business Ju. Also what were you doing snooping around my bedroom?" I ask with a giggle.

"And that little man is none of your business." he says touching his nose.

“What about you? Are you someone famous in a disguise to take me into the land of showbiz with unicorns and infinite topshop vouchers?"

"Yes, Noel Fielding it is I Gary Numan, you are to come with me on an adventure." Julian stand up in front of me. "I will make you famous, give you the powers of a comedy genius, also make your singing voice like the voices of the greats!!!"

"Great! What do I need to do?!?" I stand up in front of Julian, looking up at him.

"Just simply kiss my balls" he says with a serious tone

"Umm, no."

"You have passed the test!"

"Wait what test?"

"The ball test. Most men would have kissed my balls" he says gesturing to his lower torso. "Now all you need to do is sign this form" He hands me an imaginary piece of paper.

"What is this part about hitting on your wife who is an extreme sports calendar model?"

"Yeh, don't you go trying it on with her, she is way out of your league anyway." he says with a smirk.

"I doubt that but ok whatever you say, i'm going to put the kettle on again" I say slapping his back as I walk past him into the kitchen.

**Julian's POV**

I felt like we had been friends for years with the amount of chemistry we seemed to have. We seemed to just connect and understand the other. With him I felt welcome, even with his housemates. I had looked in his bedroom while he was busy chatting with Dave preparing some snacks earlier. It was small yet the colourful walls (painted with patterns and doodles, by Noel presumably) made the room spacious. In the room was a few band posters, art equipment and a double bed. I had looked at the ceiling noticing more paintings, the patterns above his bed were calming but stood out catching your attention making you stare at them. I wondered how often Noel laid in his bed looking at his ceiling, just drifting off into another world, a better place. There was also many pieces of scattered clothing thrown upon the floor. Some were dull like what a normal person would wear for a casual day out. Then there was others, bright colours everywhere like an explosion of a rainbow. Definately the type of thing to get you noticed and pointed at by kids. I'm not sure quite how many cups of tea we managed to drink that night, but I think the Queen would be proud.


	6. You've got a friend in me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Hi, thanks for reading! Sorry this took a while. Let me know what you think! :) -

 

**Noel’s POV**

 

I managed to convince Julian to come over to my house to watch the first showing of ‘Asylum’ on my tv. He had said that he didn’t want to see himself be a fool, but after I threatened to tell his mates that he was taking part in the show, he gave in. We have known each other for 2 months or so now? I bet Julian knows exactly how long. Anyway, I attempted to clean the flat to at least make it the slightest bit presentable. I also attempted to make some cupcakes that I could decorate and we could snack on during the night, but they didn’t work out too well. They look like a scarf that has been left in a dumpster then been taken by a feral dog and pissed on it afew times. I cringe at the thought. I tried to put some pink icing on top with some sprinkles and it looked like Charlie if he melted. So instead I nipped down to the market and bought some chocolate croissants.

 

We now sit on my sofa watching the adverts waiting for Ju’s first big moment in a TV show. He currently is pouting with a cushion in front of his face staring at the screen. Whilst I am excited as if i was on the screen instead. I would quite like that.

 

“Are you ready for your big moment Ju!” I ask bouncing around on the sofa to face him.

 

“Hmph” He replies, his voice muffled by the cushion.

 

“I told Dave to watch it round his mates tonight.”

 

“Y-you what!” He says, choking out his words removing the cushion from his face “I can’t have people who know me watching”

 

“I’m watching it and I know you”

 

“I know, but you are different!” He stumbles on his words

 

“Wha’yah mean different?” I ask wondering what he had meant

 

“Well you get me... others might think i’m a right titbox on that show.” He quickly says

 

“Do you want to watch something else then?”

 

“If thats ok with you”

 

“Course it is you berk, I get you” I say standing up, winking in Julian’s direction then walking over to my DVD collection.

 

 

 

**Julian’s POV**

 

‘Blood hell Julian, could you any stupider ‘you are different’ what was that about! He’s just a kid, he doesn’t need someone like me. Its not that I like him anyway, Julian Barratt does not have high school crushes on men especially.’ I tell myself inaudibly. But what was that wink about? Probably just a Noel thing.

 

“So what do you want to watch instead then?” Noel asks. I look to his direction, oh shite. He is currently standing bent over sorting through his DVD collection, arse in the air in my direction. I hold the cushion to my face, hoping that if i’m blushing it will cover it up. Wait Julian Barratt does not blush whilst looking at a mans arse. ‘C’mon Julian man up and stop being such a girl.’ I think to myself, slowly pulling the cushion away from my face.

 

“Umm, what have you got?”

 

“Not much really, Toy story, Pulp Fiction, Jurassic Park and The Silence of the Lambs. I can’t remember where I left my other collection, sorry bout that.” He says looking over his shoulder at me.

 

“I don’t mind, you choose”

 

“Okay, lets watchhh… Toy story! I haven’t seen the end of that yet.” He says spinning round with the case in his hands then hurrying over to the TV.

 

“I have never seen this before”

 

“Well you don’t know what you have been missing out on Ju!” He says with a wide cheshire cat grin, sitting himself beside me on the 2 seat sofa and starting the movie. The opening scenes entered the screen but Noel jumped onto his feet again and paused the film.

 

“Wait one second” he says running out of the room and down the hall into the kitchen. I hear the clashing of plastic boxes falling out of the cupboards and a plate smashing with Noel exclaiming “Oh shit!”. He strolls back into the room balancing a plate of bright pink cupcakes in his hands.

 

“I bought croissants from the shop, but i dropped them on the floor and I fell on them, sorry”

 

“You fell on them?” I ask

 

“Yeh, tripped over the bin and dropped the plate with the croissants and fell on them.. so i got out these cupcakes I tried to make earlier.” he replies, looking disappointed with his hard work.

 

“Could I try one?” I ask looking up at the sloppy mess of pink icing.

 

“If you want to” He hands me the one with the most glittery sprinkles. I take a bite into it. It tasted genuinely nice! I wasn’t expecting that.

 

“Wow, it is really nice, it has a very sweet taste to it” I say taking another few bites, finishing it.

 

“Really? Sweet is what i was going for!” He says now looking proud of his work, placing the plate on the coffee table in front of the sofa. Then he picks up one of the cakes and sits down beside me, licking the icing then munching the whole cake down.

 

So Noel started the film again, I expected him to choose a kids film or something like that. I’m not too keen on this type of film, nor action films that much. Though the Indiana Jones films don’t seem too bad. I prefer a good book as entertainment. Noel seemed so concentrated on all the characters, when a new character (‘Buzz’ I think his name is) was shown he stuffed a cupcake in his mouth excited though he had probably seen the film too many times for a man with no children. Though in some ways he is the child.

 

The room is quieter than before, only quiet voices on the screen. I must have had a quick nap because my cupcake I was holding is now on the floor. Also, to my surprise beside me Noel is curled up with his head resting on my shoulder, fast asleep whilst the credits roll...

‘You've got a friend in me

You've got a friend in me

When the road looks rough ahead

And you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed

You just remember what your old pal said

Boy you've got a friend in me

Yeah you've got a friend in me’

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this chapter, any errors just let me know :)


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